Marriage & Divorce: Choose Your Hard

 

These days, the meaning of marriage seems to be weakening.  I have heard the tragic story of so many couples whose marriages end in divorce after just a few years.  When this happens, it seems like people are treating marriage like a transaction, where you can you make a purchase, and if the product is not what you expected, simply return it the way you found it.  Marriage, however is not that simple.  Divorce is not that harmless. 

Divorce creates an entirely different family system that will forever impact everyone involved—especially children of the divorced couple.  When people are considering divorce, they should consider not only how it will affect them, but also how it will affect the rest of their children and loved ones.  Surely, no one should ever suffer through an abusive or toxic relationship for the sake of protecting family, but I believe that there are some challenges in marriage that can be worked through and solved.  We need to consider the opportunity costs that come from trying to “return” a marriage like it’s a store item. 

One cannot simply return a life of memories, newly created parent-child relationships, broken hearts, and broken commitments.  Untying a marriage bond cannot be done with no negative strings attached.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe that marriage can be challenging, but from what I have studied, the alternative is a lot less satisfying.  There is a quote that I love, and it says: “Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard. Obesity is hard. Being fit is hard. Choose your hard. Being in debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard. Choose your hard. Communication is hard. Not communicating is hard. Choose your hard. Life will never be easy. It will always be hard. But we can choose our hard. Pick wisely.”  Although marriage is hard, I believe it is worth the work. 

If you are like me, the thought of marriage is kind of intimidating.  I mean spending FOREVER with someone is a BIG commitment.  No matter how in love you are with someone when you marry them, personal weaknesses are bound to permeate the relationship eventually, creating challenges.  Don’t get me wrong, marriage sounds great, but the unknown is intimidating too!  These days, there are less and less people marrying.  I think this lack of marriage relationships is partially due to fear.  Fear that stems from experiences with parents who calmly divorce after years of marriage.  When that happens, the it makes it easy for their kids to think: “If two, perfectly good people couldn’t do it, then what chance do I have?” or “Could anyone ever love me or want me enough to marry me?”  Despite these fearful thoughts, we must have faith and believe that there is hope for us.  You have to believe that good things can happen to you. And here is why. 

Having realistic expectations for marriage makes it so that you don’t have to fear!  Yes, you only get one shot.  Yes, you can’t see the future.  Yes, you can’t see what hardships lay ahead.  BUT, if you know that you are going on a hard, strenuous hike (not just a stroll in the park), that hard, strenuous hike will be a lot more enjoyable.  Though marriage will be hard, those hard times actually have been proven to make marriages stronger, if dealt with in the right way.  According to studies done on people after they have been divorced, 70% of the time, couples report saying that they wish they could have saved the marriage.  This means that they preferred the struggles while being married over the struggles that come, once they are divorced.  They are both hard.  Choose your hard.  Other studies have reported that often times after a difficult time in marriage (such as the infidelity of a spouse), if the couple will work through it, they will report being more satisfied with their marriage than before the incident.  With all of this, I hope to illustrate the point that there are alternatives to divorce.  If we come to believe that, it will give us the hope to create a marriage that can last.