Understanding Same-sex Attraction

 

What causes someone to be gay?  This is a question I had no answer to until about 5 days ago.  This week, I have had the privilege of deeply studying, as well as discussing with peers, the subject of same sex attraction.  All I can say, is that my heart goes out to people who experience same sex attraction.  Before this week, same-sex attraction seemed like a mysterious subject that I tried to avoid, because I didn’t understand very much about it.  I definitely don’t understand it perfectly still, but I feel that the insights I’ve gained have given me a refreshing perspective on the matter.  It’s my hope, that in sharing my discoveries, you may have the opportunity to change your perspective too.  In regard to the controversy of this topic, I want to share a quote that I stumbled upon: “Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less" (Marie Curie).  I believe that to be true.  Same-sex attraction should not be a topic we fear talking about, but rather we should try to understand it better.  With that, I’m excited to share some theories of why same-sex attraction occurs, and what this means for us as a society. 

            Back to my original question: “What causes someone to be gay or lesbian?” The answer is not black and white.  There are, however, several theories, supported by research and experiences, that make the answer to this question a bit clearer.  One theory assumes that gay and lesbian people are simply “born that way.” Many studies, investigating identical twins, have found that when one twin is gay, only 11% of the time, the other twin gay too.  If being gay/lesbian is a matter of genetics, then identical twins would both be gay 100% of the time, and that is not the case. 

This leads to other theories that presume being gay is a cause of the environment around the gay/lesbian person.  In my studies, I found these theories to hold truth.  There is one specific theory, by Daryl J. Bern, that is a developmental theory of sexual orientation.  In a simple way, this theory suggests that there are experiences a child can have that influence their sexual orientation.  This theory discusses the idea that some children grow up feeling different from other peers.  For example, one boy, for whatever reason, may have less of an interest in sports growing up.  He may be made fun of by other boys, and therefore feel disconnected and rejected from other boy peers.  Growing up, he may crave connection/acceptance from other boys.  Because of this, when he reaches the age of maturing, this boy may associate that craving for connection with sexual attraction.  Because we live in a society, where the message is loud and clear that if you are different, then you must be gay, people who feel disconnected feel a tremendous amount of pressure to pursue same-sex attraction; In fact, it has been found that in communities where people get put-down for expressing gender A-typical behavior, there are more reports of homosexuality.  These people have been deeply hurt, and crave connectedness so desperately that they often settle for having it wherever they can find it, which in most cases means from other men or other women.  Obviously, this is just one explanation for the cause of same-sex attraction.  This is not the case for every single person, but I believe it can be the case for a lot of people who experience same-sex attraction.  There are so many other factors that play into potential causes of same-sex attraction as well.

There is one other factor that plays into same-sex attraction, and that is the factor of agency.  Do people who experience same-sex attraction choose it?  Not necessarily.  The process of same-sex developing in a person can happen so subtly and gradually, that it’s not always a conscious decision; however, acting upon and pursuing same-sex attraction is a choice.  When people have these feelings, I believe they have the ability to choose to what they do with them. Just like any sexual desire, they can choose to feed that desire or they can choose to reduce, and even eliminate those feelings.  There have been hundreds of gay/lesbian people who have chosen to seek counseling and overcome their same-sex attraction.  Just because a person may not have consciously chosen to experience same-sex attraction, does not mean that they can’t choose to change. 

So, what does this mean for us as a society? It means that we need to be less judgmental of people who are “different” from us. We need to stop telling people that, because they are “different,” they are not capable of pursuing a healthy, sexual relationship with someone of the opposite gender.  We need to do our best to seek out those who are different from us and connect with them.  There are so many people who just crave connection and love from other people.  We need to fill the hunger of connectedness. Finally, when people experience same-sex attraction, we need to give them the permission and help that they need to change if they desire.