Love: A Daily Choice

 

“And they lived happily ever after.” A phrase we have all heard so many times.  What does that even mean?  After people drive off in their little car decorated with old cans and the classic two words, “just married,” what comes next?  Of course, there is the excitement of the honey moon, but after that initial excitement how does a couple’s relationship change?

I think we all wish that a long-lasting happy marriage is easy as “and they lived happily ever after,” but the reality is that life’s not always like Cinderella.  The story continues long after the prince kisses the bride.  The story continues through adjusting to a completely different life-style with your spouse.  It continues through making difficult decisions, having children, facing trails, and dealing with human weaknesses. The truth is that marriage is really just the beginning!  So, after the big day, what changes should we anticipate? How can we prepare our expectations so we aren’t disappointed once we’re married?

There are actually a couple of things that we can do leading up to the wedding that will make a world of a difference.  Wedding planning.  I’m astounded at some of the preparation that go into just one day of a person’s life.  Don’t get me wrong, the wedding day is a BIG day, but there can be harm in focusing too much on just this day.  I met a girl the other day who works for a wedding venue in Utah.  She told me about a wedding she set up where the flowers alone, cost $34,000! I was astounded by that.  If our wedding is focused on lavish luxuries and worldly preparations, we might lose the sacredness of the promises we make on that special day.  Hopefully we will put a greater effort into preparing ourselves for committing to our spouse, than we will put into preparing the flower arrangement.  We can’t confuse the level of lavishness of our weddings, with the level of our commitment to one another.

It can be typical for the girl and her mom to plan the details of the wedding, but there are actually some advantages in involving the boy too.  The wedding is both of your special day, so make it yours together.  Use planning your wedding as an opportunity to make decisions together prior to being married.  As my professor says “the colors you choose don’t matter, but the way that you make the decisions does.”   

I think one thing that we often forget about marriage, is that it is a marriage of two imperfect people.  No matter how perfect you are for each other, you are going to be prone to the weaknesses of one another.  There is something about being with someone in a companionship like marriage that forces you to face your weaknesses.  Maybe you don’t care if you have a tendency to leave your clothes on the ground, but surely that will impact your wife. And you may not care if you end up spending all day working, but that decision will surely impact your spouse once you are married.  No matter how much we love someone, our personal weakness can be difficult to work through.  So, what will hold that relationship together through those weaknesses? 

There is this concept of commitment to the person, and then there is commitment to the institution of marriage.  In the end, commitment to the person you marry will bring more joy, love and satisfaction, than commitment to marriage.  Commitment to marriage will simply bring a willingness to endure challenges rather than work through them.  It will be more meaningful for you to help clean the house after an exhausting day of work (when the kids are all running around screaming), if you are doing it because you want to serve your wife and make her day easier, than if you are doing it just because you are married to her and that’s what married people are supposed to do.  Love for people is the purest motivator in life.  Duty is the next best motivator. Your marriage will be much more fulfilling as you let love motivate your actions in difficult times, rather than duty. 

In conclusion, I want to emphasize this idea that at the beginning of marriage, loving your spouse will feel much more natural.  After the honeymoon phase wares off, love becomes a choice.  It becomes a way of living.  Your love for one another can grow through the difficult decisions and adjustments.  Until one day, you will look back on the love you have grown together and realize that you did have “happily ever after.” You may not have had a perfect marriage, but you will be happy with the love you have chosen to create.