Being Intentional About Your Family

 

How come families are all so different?  It’s pretty fascinating that there is an endless number of families all around the world, yet not one is the same.  Each family is made up of different individuals who are unique. The way those individuals interact creates a family system.  Because every family system is made up of completely different individuals, every family has different outcomes.  Similar to machines that have several little working parts that work together to perform a different function.  Some family systems seem to be incredibly strong, while others seem like they could collapse at the drop of a pin.  Why is this the case? Why do some families function much better than others?  Is it just by chance, or is it by choice? This week I have gained some insights as to what determines a family’s functionality. I hope as I share some thoughts on families, you can feel empowered to make the most out of your own family situation. Whether that means making changes in your current family, or planning for how you can be intentional with your future family. 

Whether we are aware of it or not, our families create rules that greatly impact individual family members.  Family rules are often small and simple, yet they have a huge impact on the outcome of family functionality.  Rules influence almost everything that is done withing a family, and they also contribute greatly to the outcome of every person’s life.  If family rules are so influential, what even are they? How do they affect us? How can we be more intentional about our family rules?  These are all questions I hope I can explain to help you get the most out of your family life. 

What is a family rule?  There are different types of family rules. Some are spoken, while others are never even explicitly stated.  A parent might explicitly say, “your chores must be finished by Saturday, otherwise you can’t play with friends.”  Then the children know they must prioritize doing their chores on Saturdays.  These types of rules are pretty clear, but there are also other unspoken rules that family members create based off of experience.  For example, a child might tell his/her mother they are failing their math class and with this news, the mother might flip out.  That same child might also tell his/her father they are failing a class and the father might remain calm.  In the child’s mind, he/she creates the “unspoken rule” that they can tell father when they aren’t doing well in school, but not mother, because she will flip out.  We aren’t always intentional about these sorts of rules, but they still drive our decisions every day.  I’m sure as you think about your own family, you can pinpoint some of the spoken and unspoken rules that you have both intentionally and unintentionally created. 

So how do these rules affect us? Family rules can be very beneficial for the functionality of families. If a family has too many rules, it can have a negative affect on the members. On the other hand, if a family has too few rules, it can leave family members feeling lost and chaotic.  This can be difficult for children, because they feel no sense of direction or leadership from their parents, who should be there to guide them in their lives. What’s the healthy balance with rules? There is a principle called “high love and high expectations” that I think is a good guide for the type of culture we want with family rules.  When parents have high expectations for their family, they have rules that they expect their family to abide by.  When those rules are formed out of pure love, it creates a beautiful culture within a family system.  You can’t have high expectations without love, and you can’t have true love without some sort of expectations.

How can we be intentional about our family rules?  As human beings, we naturally have weaknesses.  We naturally do things each day that determine a lot of unspoken rules in our family.  Though this is the case, we can become more aware of family rules that might be detrimental to family members. Once we are aware of those rules, we can attempt to change them, thus creating an ever growing and developing family system.  I have come to the conclusion that our families can be a lot more intentional than we sometimes think.  Obviously, each individual family has their own individual members who each have their agency, but ultimately, I believe it is up to parents to choose what they get out of their families.  We always have a choice.  Our families don’t have to be static. They can grow just as the very trees in the jungle grow.  If we are intentional about what we allow to control our family system, we will look back one day and see how far we have come together.  That change and growth is what this life is all about.